Over the next few weeks, I’m going to be collaborating with my good friend, Kelsey, on a series of posts aimed at helping new mamas navigate early parenthood. Kelsey had her daughter, Avery, six months before E was born, and she was a great resource for me during my pregnancy and the early weeks of E’s life. We are certainly not experts on the subject, but we were the first of our friends to have babies, and we know a few expectant mamas now who’ve had some questions for us. So, we decided it might be helpful to organize our thoughts into a few blog posts.
First up, we’ve put together some advice to get you through those first few months after baby is born. There’s no doubt that newborns are A LOT of work. Those first months are kind of a daze, with the lack of sleep, crazy hormones, and constant new experiences. Emotionally, it can be really hard on you, but hopefully these few tips can help get you through.
1. Take it one day (or hour) at a time.
This might sound cliche, but during newborn mania, it is an absolute must. At times, you are going to feel so overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted, etc. When you are feeling this way, it’s easy and natural to flip into full-on panic mode, thinking, “how am I ever going to get through this?” This was a huge problem for me, because I tend to be a catastrophizer – I always jump to the worst conclusions. But, whether baby’s in the midst of an hours-long crying spell, refusing to sleep at night, having a hard time breastfeeding, or sick with a first cold, it’s important to take a minute to calm yourself. Make a plan to get you through that day. Then the next morning, make a plan for that day. And so on. Breaking things down and taking them even an hour at a time will help you keep your cool and make it through the difficult hours and days.
2. Accept that it’s going to be hard, and you may not be able to “fix” everything.
Despite the advice above, sometimes, you can’t make a plan. Sometimes, there is no explanation for what’s going on with baby, other than “that’s what babies do” {or “that’s what your baby does”}, and there is nothing you can do. For example, the “witching hour.” This is pretty common amongst newborns – it’s when your sweet little cherub turns into a screaming, psychotic mess around the same time everyday, sometimes for hours at a time. For us, this happened every night for about a month and a half, from roughly 8 p.m. to whenever E would finally pass out {anywhere from 9 p.m. to midnight}. As a mom, listening to your helpless little newborn wailing away for hours is the absolute worst, especially when there is nothing you can do to calm them. I spent hours on the internet reading articles, blogs, and forums, looking for some magical cure. And guess what? NOTHING worked. Eventually, I realized that there was nothing I could do, but hold her, try to make her comfortable, nurse her, and hand her over to Dan when I needed a break. She was just going to cry. This was SO hard to deal with, night after night, but over time, she grew out of it. The sooner you learn to accept that babies are weird and difficult at times {or pretty much all the time, in E’s case}, the better it will be for your sanity. {Note: we have also gone through this same process of acceptance with E’s sleep habits, which is still an ongoing issue at 15-months, despite having tried nearly every approach out there – more on this here}.
Keep in mind, if baby is doing something that concerns you {like crying uncontrollably}, always check with your pediatrician, because something could be wrong. If not, at least confirming that with a doctor can put your mind at ease.
*A side note on crying: When we were first dealing with E’s witching hour, my dad told us, “I kind of like when babies cry – that’s just how they express themselves.” Thinking about it this way actually really helped me to cope with my emotions and frustrations during E’s crying spells.
3. Ask for help.
Face it: A LOT of new moms are reluctant to ask for help. You feel like as a mother, you should be able to take care of your baby on your own, as well as do all of the other things you did before baby. But during the early days, being willing to accept help from anyone who offers it, and make sure to ask if you need more. Things will not always be able to be as clean, organized, or timely as you may like, but ask for help so that you can at least find the right balance. Help can come in many forms. In the early days, friends and family can bring you meals or stop by to help you clean your house. When baby is a little older, maybe you’ll just need someone to drop by to watch baby for a few hours while you run errands, pamper yourself, or head out for a date night. Figure out what it is that you need, and ask for it!
For Kelsey, it was cleaning. Her home is always spotless and perfectly organized. When she first went back to work after having Avery, the last thing she wanted to do when she got home each night was clean and pick-up her house – she wanted to enjoy time with her family. But, she couldn’t stand being in a messy house – it was impossible for her to ignore. Someone suggested to her that she could hire someone to come to her house for a few hours every-other week to clean for a pretty reasonable fee. As soon as she did that, she was able to focus on her family and felt so much better.
4. Think about “the grand scheme of things.”
Life with a baby or toddler is generally exhausting, and it can be pretty stressful at times. I don’t remember the last time I got a full night of sleep {even being away from E}. It also can be hard to adjust to the lack of free time. It’s important to keep these less-than-ideal parts of early parenthood in perspective though, because the early years are also some of the most exciting – baby is constantly changing, growing, and learning new things. “In the grand scheme of things,” this period of 2-3 years is so short when compared to the rest of your life. Try to focus on the positives and not dwell on the negatives. If something happens with baby or your significant other that truly isn’t that big of a deal, don’t let it become one.
5. Make quality time // be present.
I imagine that this is hard for most parents of my generation. We are constantly on the go {or sucked into our phones or computers}, and we always have an endless list of things that we need to get done. But, those things can wait. Whether you’re spending time as a family, alone with baby, or just you and your significant other, make a point to focus on the time that you have and make it special. Get off of your phone, iPad, whatever and just BE PRESENT. You can check your social media accounts/work/shop/etc. after baby goes to sleep. This will help you build a better connection with baby and show them that they are more important to you than your phone. Again, this time truly does go by so fast, and you really don’t want to miss anything. Even if it is just an afternoon of stacking blocks and reading books.
6. Remember, you’re an amazing mama.
There are so many resources out there that can help you navigate parenthood – books, blogs, forums, etc. Just hop on goggle and you can find a TON of information on any subject within seconds. With all of these resources come a lot of different approaches and opinions on every facet of parenting – breastfeeding, sleeping, discipline, etc. Nearly every topic has at least two sides, some have several. All these options can put us mamas in a hard place – what’s the best approach?
Take sleep-training for example. Some resources say that you have to let baby’s learn to self-soothe {which often involves at least some form of crying-it-out}, or she will never be able to sleep on her own and be completely dependent on you. Other resources say that you should nurture baby, and that letting them cry-it-out will teach them they can’t rely on you and damage their self-esteem. Well, both of these alleged outcomes are pretty scary. What’s a mama to do?
Go with what works for you. Consider your pediatrician’s advice, read others’ thoughts online if you want, but make the decision that seems best to you. You know yourself and your baby best, and you are more than equipped to make the right decision for your family. And once you’ve made your decision, don’t let other mamas {or non-mamas} make you feel like you’re doing the wrong thing. What works for one family might not work for another. You’ll figure it out.
{Photo by Amelia Coffaro.}
the pios 